The Years.....

I am so sad and melancholy.

On Friday, the Archdioceses of Philadelphia announced that they were closing 49 schools. Four of the schools are High Schools. And one of those High Schools is my alma mater, the same school that my daughter is supposed to start in September 2012.

I am devastated. I cried and had a major meltdown. I'm sad and I can not explain it.

Everyone keeps telling me that no matter what school Victoria goes to, she will be fine. She is smart, she has a wonderful personality and she will fit in. I agree with all that. But I am still sad. I'm sad and mourning what "we" lost. She was going to my school. I was going to get to volunteer there, just like I do at the boys school. It's an all girls school so they have special events for their Mothers & Daughters, and I was so looking forward to those with her, at my alma mater. The school is right in our neighborhood, we can drive there in 3 mins. Now any school she chooses is at least a 20 minute drive without traffic. Or she would have to take the bus. We won't be right down the street and that is only one of the downfalls. It's a nice, small, local, tight, family school. Classmates of mine have daughters that were going to go there with my daughter. She was going to be with those girls, make new friends and we were going to have our little mini reunions.

And now that has all been taken away from me and from my daughter.

We are going down fighting though! We are going to see if there is anything we can do, with the backing of the Alumnae Association, the School Board, the Faculty & Staff, Students and hopefully others in the Community.

And while fighting, we have to look for a new school for her. My choices are a co-ed catholic school that I know nothing about, that isn't that far from home but still about 20 minutes away. Or an all girls catholic school that is in a bad neighborhood, but that everyone swears nothing bad ever happens because of the chartered buses and protection around the school. The all girls school has the involvement and sisterhood that I wanted her to experience from my school. The co-ed school is, well, co-ed. I was actually looking forward to her getting away from that. I know she'll be involved with boys and still meet them, but I was liking the idea that they wouldn't be in class together.

I never thought I was going to have to be making this decision. I hate that I'm being forced to.

And because of these school closings, a lot of grade schools will be merging together. To be fair to all the schools, they will be changing the names of the schools, teachers will have to reapply for their jobs and I have no idea of who is going to be running the schools, etc. So basically, that makes my daughter's class the last class of her school. Wow. NEVER thought that was going to happen.

It makes me think back. It makes me remember when the school yard was so packed with kids and they had 3 classrooms per grade. Some are down to one room with 24 students in it. It's sad.

It's making me realize how fast time is flying. And I'm not liking it.

I was looking at some books in this bookcase we have at work. I saw a book by Kathy Reichs. I was going to pick it up but I thought maybe her books were from a series and I don't like reading out of order. That made me remember when my oldest son was in kindergarten, I used to keep a book in my truck. I would sit and read when I picked him up when the 2 other kids were alseep in their car seats. The book was Deja Dead. I never finished the book. I kept it in the truck, moved it to the next truck when we bought a new one. But I never finished it. I read tons of other books in between but I never really read or got through that book. And now, my son is in 12th grade, looking at colleges, accepted to 5 with scholarships and has been offered to apply for full scholarships, based on merit.

How did I get this far? How did those 12 years of school go flying by? Where did my kindergartener go? The one who would run around in the school yard, wearing a baseball hat with a blue backpack and always with a book inside.

I don't even know where that book went, Deja Dead. I never read it. It probably got put in a box when we cleaned out the next 2 cars. I remember it moving from the blue Suburban to the white Suburban, then to the black Suburban, but I know it's not in the blue Pilot. And there are no car seats in there either. No little kids that need them.

And I don't know how that happened!

and that's why I'm sad and melancholy.

I'm just sick of it.....

and believe me, I have lists of things I'm sick of. I have lists broken down into categories.

Mostly though, I'm sick of death. In a three week period, I've had a friend lose her baby in her 22nd week of pregnancy, we lost a friend who was our age to a massive heart attack and every time I come to work, another patient has passed away. Tonight was the 45 yr old mother of four ranging from ages 17 to 7. And she was expecting to go home tomorrow. Her home not HIS home.

Blech! Blah! :::Spitspitspit:::! I just want to get it all out of my mouth, my mind, my thoughts. I'm tired of hearing and thinking about death. Blech!

So what do I do when I'm bored at work and there aren't any new episodes of the sitcoms on line for me to watch? I look up Dateline and watch old episodes! Different kind of death! It's more for background noise than anything. I can't stand sitting here all night in the dead silence. Why is it we find murder mystery so riveting?

Number 2 on my list......I'm sick of stupid people. Or annoying people who I feel are stupid. I've written a few things on my Facebook page, just updating about trivial things and a certain family member keeps replying. This family member has never commented on my page, she was never on Facebook for years. Now she's on and she acts like we are sisters. This is the same family member that I turned to about 11 years ago and was told that she and her sister had discussed the situation and they felt they shouldn't get involved. Shouldn't get involved? So you shouldn't help, listen to or give advice to your own sister in law? Really? And you and your "real" sister decided that? Okie dokie then. But now all of a sudden on my Facebook page I'm getting "your sister" comments etc. Please, take your own advice and your "real" sisters advice and don't get involved with me. Don't give me your advice, don't even try to act like you are there for me or even know me. I've changed drastically over the last 10 years and you have no idea of what I've been through or the person I've become because of it all. Go away, it's too late!

Does that make me a mean or bitter person? I don't know, maybe in some people's opinions but in mine, I've been hurt and there is no getting that back. I learned to take care of things by myself, I stopped thinking I could count on you. So seriously, there is no going back or just picking up, it's not happening. I'm not a forgive and forget person. I'll be nice to you, I'll get along with you, I'll socialize with you, but you will not gain my trust back, it's not going to happen.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could write that in your status?? LOL

Number 3 on my list this week.........people who come to talk to you, you tell them one thing and then the next thing you know, the entire conversation is about them, their kids, their day, their inlaws, their opinions, their day, their thoughts, their feelings and then.....time to move on. Yes, I'm fine thank you for asking....no I have nothing going on, nothing new, nothing's up because sitting here talking about you you you is just going to make the back of my eyeballs hurt. I'm all for 2 sided conversations, hell they are enjoyable. But I'm so tired of always listening! Sounds horrible huh? Eh, whatever.

I'll end my whining list there. Not like anyone is really listening anyway. Tis okay, feels good just to unload!!

Been almost a year.......

since I last wrote on my blog. I got to the point that I just didn't see the point in it. I got bored. I got tired of trying to think of interesting things to say.

Then the other day I was driving to work. I don't know about you but my mind is going a mile a minute when I'm driving. And sometimes I have these conversations in my head with myself. All of which I think is completely normal.

So I thought instead of having these little talks with myself, I should just write them out. I was thinking of just doing it in a journal on the computer but then figured hey, you have the blog why not just do it there. Not sure any of the 26 followers will read or care, but that's not the reason for writing. It's more for me, just to get it out of the head.

So, I'm discovering more and more about myself. Not always a good thing! I'm learning that I'm just not a real people person. People can annoy the hell out of me. I think it's part of this perimenopausal thing I'm going through. Seriously, this PM thing is the worst. It's a struggle every day to get out of the funk it causes. But I can not shake the feeling of not wanting to deal with people.

Maybe it's time to find some ways to help deal with this PM. Before I hurt someone!

Just some stuff......

just sitting here at home enjoying my peace and quiet, so I thought I'd write.

We finally have wireless internet working in the house again so I'm sitting in bed on my notebook, which I haven't been able to do for about 9 months! Wooohoo!

The kids are all busy doing their things throughout the house right now and the husband is at the hospital having his sleep study done. I can not wait to see the number they come up with for him. I'm sure he stops breathing a lot when he sleeps but lately I think it's been worse and his doctor ordered a study done. A friend from work had this done and she had stopped breathing 52 times in an hour. I'm better he's more than that in an hour. His snoring keeps me up all the time. I'm going to enjoy this quiet night!

Of course I'm still up at 12:3o AM because I am so used to being up with my work schedule. But when I do get to bed, it's going to be so quiet!

I have a good book to cuddle up with but this computer keeps calling me. I started Every Last One by Anna Quindlen the other day. Seems good so far. I've never read this author before so I thought I'd give her a try since I heard the books is good and I have a few others of hers. I'm so proud of myself, I've been trying several new to me authors. Found out that I love Laura Lippman. I don't know how I missed her all these years. I also read Room by Emma Donoghue last week. That was a tough book when you thought too much about it. It was very good though. I kept hearing the name ROOM everywhere so I thought why not. I'm glad I did. I also read my first Lisa Scottoline which I really liked and loved the Philadelphia & Suburbs references. I actually have several of her books and have no idea of why I've never read them but I'm going to go with the excuse that there are so many authors and just not enough time.

It was back to a full work week this week and it started off sad. The young man who was in our hospital passed away. I found out the other night when I went to work. I just cried. I didn't even know him, never saw him. But I knew he was on the floor below me and I just could not imagine how his family was doing. I know there are children dying every day and then multiply that by every hospital, city and state and the numbers are just horrible. I think this one just hit me hard because I have a 16 yr old son. And I know I think too much, wonder too much, imagine too much. These are just a few reasons why I could never ever become a nurse! Good heavens, I'd be a total wreck every day. I just pray for his family. I just can not imagine that pain. And hope I never have to!

It's hard to believe the holidays are over, the time is flying! There is so much to do this year and I'm not ready! This is the looking at colleges year, taking SATs and praying that this son of mine can figure out what he wants to be! Not an easy task since he'd be perfectly happy being 16 for the rest of his life! My very own Peter Pan. That kid cracks me up! Actually, I'd like to keep him 16 too! I'd like them all to just stop, freeze, no more growing up!

I need some magic dust!

I've been slacking..........

and I'm going to blame it mostly on the rush of the holidays. But we all know that's not quite true since basically I sit here at work 5 nights a week for 8 hours with not a lot to do so I could be blogging.

Only I don't feel like I have much to say most of the time.

So I've decided that for the new year, I'm just gonna say whatever I feel like and let the world see how boring I am. LOL

Christmas was so wonderful at our house! All the kids were happy, which is one of the most important things to me! I know it's not about the materialistic things but I like giving my kids presents and seeing them happy with even the little things. I've seen too many sad and depressing things in the last several years to deny myself that little joy!

After the kids did the opening presents routine, we went to 12 o'clock mass at our church. My daughter is an altar server and she got the 12! First time in years that we didn't have Christmas Eve mass. But it was beautiful! And I'll admit, I cried during mass. Not a lot, just that filled up, teary kind of cry. Certain hymns always get me but this year, I just couldn't help it, my heart was kind of feeling heavy.

Without saying too much and losing my job, there is a patient in our hospital where I work. He's very sick and it made me really sad to think about him being in ICU all of Christmas. I think too much. I thought about his family. I wondered if his mother sat there and thought back to a year ago. How could she not. A year ago she didn't have a sick child. A year ago she didn't think this was going to happen. A year ago, everything was different and some things were just so damn important. I don't think those things were important this year. Most of our patients here are adults and I guess this child is considered an adult because he's 18 but in my book, you're a kid. You didn't do enough, you just graduated, you didn't live, you are a kid! It broke my heart to think of them this weekend.

And while I sat in mass, I listened to the petitions. We prayed for many things but we always pray for the deceased of our parish. This year I recognized a name. I hate that. I like to think that everyone on that list is old, lived a nice long life. But I knew this man, who was only 26, wasn't one of those old people who lived a long, happy, fulfilling life. I didn't know him personally, but I know his mother. Her youngest went to school with my oldest. She is a good mother, a good catholic and a dedicated leader to our CYO. She served our parish as our CYO director for 20 years. And she lost her oldest child to drugs. I don't know how or the details but to me, those aren't important. She did all the right things. She sent him to school and church. He went on to college. He played soccer all those years. He started to grow up and he referred games. He seemed to have all the foundation to grow up and become something, anything he wanted. But he didn't. He died. And his mother had to bury him a few days before Christmas. How do you have Christmas on Saturday when you bury your oldest child on Wednesday?

I'm hoping and praying that I never find out.

But with those two situations on my mind this week, I enjoyed every second of my over- materialistic holiday. I enjoyed every second of seeing the joy on their faces. I enjoyed the OMGs and the I can not believe its. I enjoyed the shopping, the crowds, the traffic, the going back to the store 3 times because it was the wrong one the other 2 times. I enjoyed the back breaking wrapping, the stressful pain in the ass tape, and the lost scissors.

I'm hoping that every stinking year I get to enjoy it over and over and over again, just the same exact way, with nothing changing, nothing screwing it up, nothing making it any less crazy. I want to always have 3 piles, one with blue wrapping paper, one with green wrapping paper and one with red wrapping paper.

I'll take more piles, more gifts, more wrapping paper colors, more stress but please, never less.

AMEN!

And it's the weekend....

yahoooo!

Hubby texted me today that he brought home 10 boxes of my decorations and they are in the garage. I can't wait to get started! I love decorating for Christmas. With a little luck, I'm going to have some helpers this year too. I already warned the kids! I was also promised a fixed lamp post out front and electricity out there with an outlet. Dare I dream????

Here in Philly there has been a huge new story brewing. Don't know if anyone else has heard this but the city took down the CHRISTMAS VILLAGE sign over the Christmas Village and had it just say Village because the CHRISTMAS part offended some people. Then yesterday, the mayor had it put back up. Seriously people?? I can not believe that this offended people. Are these the same people that I'm giving my green "In God We Trust" paper money to? Cause if all that offends you, why don't I just get a free cab ride or come into your store and take what I need but don't pay cause I don't want to offend you.

And really? That's what offends you? There are homeless on the street, there are children starving right in Philadelphia, there are people out of work, losing their homes, families being torn apart. We have women being assaulted, raped and then murdered. We have human beings being attacked because they are gay, we have children killing themselves because they are being tortured and bullied. And with all that, the word CHRISTMAS offends you? Seriously, get off my planet! Go do something useful with yourself because that is just pathetic!

I think the holidays are a time that people should just celebrate whatever they are, how ever they choose, without having to answer, explain and conform to anyone else. Go do something good, helpful, useful. Don't go to the CHRISTMAS village if it offends you. Use that money to buy a coat, hat and scarf, blanket, or some food and donate it. Spread some joy instead of being miserable.

Okay, I'm off my soapbox!

For the first time since.....

my oldest son was in first grade, I am going to a parent teacher conference.

Now, to some that may sound horrible. I always hear parents going to conferences even when their child is doing well and that's fine, but that's not how our schools work it.

I found this out in first grade. I went to my son's first grade conference and the teacher, who was not a pleasant woman and had been teaching for 30 years, says come in, why are you here?

I told her I was G's mother and I just wanted to meet with her. She said well, he's doing fine and that's about it. Okay. So I waited for the gushing praise that she was bound to tell me about my wonderful son. I mean the kids is smart and funny and talented and well, let's face it, he's just brilliant. But she told me that he's just fine and there was no need for her to meet with me. Then she explained how the whole process worked. Okay, that would have been helpful BEFORE I signed up to meet with you. She told us that these meetings were for the kids having trouble or for the parents of the children who had no idea that their child was having trouble. So basically we wasted her time. She was just such a lovely woman and I was never so happy when she retired at the end of the year so that neither of my other two children had to be around her.

So, we learned our lesson. Besides that, I was a regular at the school with volunteering and other things so most of my kids teachers knew me and knew that they could stop me at any time to discuss anything with my children.

I now have a son who is in 11th grade. He is an honors student and is always in the top 20 of his class. Told ya he was brilliant Mrs. F!

And he's the child that I now have to go up to the high school and have a parent teacher conference with the head of the English Department. My son had a wonderful man teaching is AP English Language course. That man blew a ton of sunshine up my butt on back to school night telling me all about how my child and the others were going to come out of this course writing like Shakespeare. This was important to my son since he loves to write. THIS was his course!

That twerp decided to leave the school 2 weeks later to take an administrative position in a charter school. He did this before and then came back, now he has done it again and it's really starting to irritate me. So, we get the new AP English teacher. And that is the reason I have to go to a conference with the head of the department.

The new teacher started in the beginning of October and was absent on Monday, Oct. 11th which was Columbus day. Yeah, she went camping with her friends on the weekend and was just too tired to come to work! Now, not only does she do this, but she tells a class full of 18 boys. Mind you, I'm paying approximately $5300 a year for my son's education in this school and this chick couldn't get her ass out of bed? Sweetie, if I'm out of bed, so are you! I get it if you are sick, we all get to be sick. But do NOT tell a class that the reason you were out was because you were too tired. Is this chick serious?

Then the last semester papers finally came home. Now, my son had a 96 for the report card so that's not the problem. But I'm having a problem with other issues he's told me about her and then when I see a big red underline with SPELLING written next to it under the word "persuasive". I'm about ready to blow. My son says how can she mark this wrong, it's right, it didn't come up as misspelled when I typed it in Microsoft Word. Then I whipped out not one but TWO dictionaries and guess what????

Now, I misspell and use the wrong grammar etc. all the time. But I'm not a high school AP English Teacher and if I'm thinking something is spelled wrong, I'm double checking it!

Then today they were reading from the text book, a lesson you would think she would have prepared, and they come to the word "infinitesimal". The teacher can't say it. Ok, we all have that happen, it gets stuck. A student says it for her and she says "what does that mean?", the student tells her "very small". She says "how did you know that?" Ok, seriously??? If you don't know as the English teacher, how about faking it! Or better yet, before you teach this lesson, look it over and if you see one of those big words on the page........LOOK IT UP!

This girl is not qualified to teach this course. This is an AP course, college level. My son and 17 other boys had to apply and be accepted to take this course. They had to meet certain qualifications...........why doesn't the teacher??

I would love to know how many other parents are there to discuss this teacher. I've heard I'm not alone in my concerns since I'm friendly with a few of the teachers and administration up there. This should be interesting.

And that is why I now get to go to Parent Teacher Conference night for the first time in 10 years!!!